I finished my first week back on Weight Watchers and lost 2.2 lbs. This is a completely reasonable and healthy amount, exactly what I should have lost. So, on the surface, I'm happy. But underneath, there's a niggling disapproval. "All that for only two pounds? But you logged every morsel!" "It's your first week, you should've lost at least 3 lbs." "You drank all that water, why didn't you lose more?" Etcetera, etcetera...
I've also just decided I don't like the word "niggling".
Anyway, this isn't my first time at the fat ass rodeo, so I'm totally aware of all the usual consolations that people come back with when someone says such things. "But two pounds a week is healthy." "You shouldn't lose more than that, slow is best." And assorted other "don't give up!"-type mantras.
And I appreciate those kind words, I do. But I find them frustrating on occasion. I guess I want someone to say, "Hey, man, I know how you feel" instead of blowing sunshine up my ass. This is why I don't talk about my feelings surrounding weight loss too much because instead of focusing on the fact that I said "I FEEL this way", comments focus on the above-mentioned rah-rah stuff. It's not about that. I know that 2 lbs is the right amount. I know that slow is best. I know, I KNOW. I KNOW!!!!
But that doesn't stop me from feeling like it's not. I don't expect the internet to be my therapist or have the right thing to say -- I know people are kind and only trying to help, but I guess I'm just realizing that accepting emotional support is not my forte. I get defensive and feel like the support is directed at things I already know (my father always said I was a know-it-all) instead of on the thing I'm really seeking support for.
Selfish, right? Bratty, even? Agreed. I'm not above admitting that.
Perhaps the answer is being more clear with the support I'm seeking. I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me or seek support from me because they think I won't be receptive. That's the last thing I want -- if someone wants me to blow unicorns and rainbows up their ass and spout "YOU GO GIRL!", I'll do that. Because that's what they want. That's not what I want, I guess. I don't want assholery, I want... "I hear you and I get it", I guess.
I can't expect people to know exactly what to say. That's not fair of me. Everyone is in the same boat, doing their best to get by or make it through. It's not all about me -- again, something I already know. I can't help how I feel. All I can do is try to change my attitude about it.
Sigh. I suck at joining.
Around noon yesterday, I put a pork loin in the slow cooker for dinner around 8:30-9pm (we eat late around here because mikey doesn't get off work until then). The plan? Slow cooked shredded pork tacos, a fairly regular menu item here since I first made it last year.
Cut to around 3:30pm, when Mike texts me that we were going to see Carrot Top at the Luxor at 8:30pm thanks to some free tickets from his work. I'm not a big Carrot Top fan, but I figure as long as we have to live in this (I want to say sucky) town, we might as well enjoy the few perks. I normally wouldn't consider Carrot Top a perk, as I'm not really a fan of prop comedy and his eyebrows upset me, but I am trying to be more spontaneous, so I agreed to go.
So, around 8:15, I knocked the slowcooker back down to "warm" and we hit the Strip for some, admittedly, fairly funny comedy. Not my usual brand, but I can't pretend I didn't laugh.
When we got home, the house smelled like an abuelita's kitchen. (That's spanish for Grandmother, in case you weren't sure. Also, an excellent instant Mexican hot cocoa mix.) I made some totally not low-carb or low-fat Tortillaland flour tortillas in the skillet (they're the uncooked/raw tortillas you can get in the chilled Mexican food section of the market), 8 points of totally worth it and 3.5 ounces of the tenderest pork I'd ever made.
Bear in mind, it's been slow cooking for like 10 hours. So this stuff just melts in your mouth. And it was so easy, it's ridiculous. Next time, I'll take pictures -- I'm not sure why I didn't do that.
Ingredients
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1 pork center-cut loin roast (I used the lemon-garlic Hormel brand because they didn't have regular and it's a concession I will be making again. So good!)
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1 big yellow onion
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2 cloves of garlic
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1 cup of water, chicken broth or beer (I prefer beer, but didn't have any, so I used water for this recipe)
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Cumin
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Coriander
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Chili Powder
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Hot Sauce (I used some left over from the local taco shop, but you can use whatever you dig)
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Olive oil
This recipe is perfect for one of those small slow cookers for two, which is what I have. It gives you enough for dinner that night and at least 2 meals of leftovers.
First, I line my slowcooker a brilliant invention: slow cooker liners -- they make clean up SUPER easy. I do a medium slice on the onion and lay the slices down along the bottom, along with the garlic cloves, which i've peeled and smashed a bit to release the oils and flavor. I drizzle both with a tablespoon or two of olive oil.
Then, I rub my pork loin (I can't say this without cracking a smile) with a generous amount of the spices, cumin and coriander. I go less heavy on the chili powder, because it can quickly take over, so I am just sprinkling that on. Hit it with some salt & pepper and don't forget to get both sides. Lay it down on top of your onions and garlic, then pour your one cup of liquid (water, beer, whatever) around the outside of it.
I lay it fat side up at first. I do this so it stays moist during the first part of cooking. Pour some hot sauce over the fat side-up to your liking. I like things spicy, but mike doesn't like it as much, so I just did a enough to coat the top, maybe a couple tablespoons. Put the lid on, set it to low and off you go.
As it starts to break down, about half way through the cooking time I flip it fat-side down and use the liquid that's started to accumulate in the bottom to baste the top. You can always trim off that thin layer of fat completely, but I find it adds flavor and keeps the meat moist, so I just leave it on. I'm not eating the fat directly and don't really use the juices in my meal, so I'm not worried too much about additional Points or calories.
My meal was 3.5 ounces of lean pork (4 points), 2 tortillas (8 points), 1/4 cup of lowfat shredded mexican cheese (2 points) for a sizable total of 14 Points. Now, that might seem like a lot, but I had plenty of points for it so I didn't mind using the real tortillas. But you could easily shave off some points by going with low-carb or low-fat tortillas or none at all and make it a salad.
The "Revenge" part of this post is that this morning, coming down the stairs, I couldn't figure out why I still smelled last night's dinner so intensely. Turns out, I'd left the crock pot low (not even warm!) the entire night. I don't know how that happened, but I'm glad I didn't burn the house down. The slow cooker liner that I love so much was cooked right onto the pot and everything inside was burned. BUT, luckily, the slow cooker liners are awesome, so just a few tugs pulled it right out, I tied it up and threw it away. Easy peasy. If I hadn't had that in there, it would've taken forever to soak that off.
So, lessons learned here: Pork is good. Slow cooker liners are awesome. Leaving it on overnight makes your house smell like a delicious plastic factory. Note to self.
Yeah, so. We meet again. And again. And then one more time. And hey, look! Again.
Of course, I'm assuming anyone is still reading this. I've seen lots of unfollows on Twitter, which is expected when I never update. Can't blame 'em! But, I'm not ready to give up this blog. I'm going to scale back my original plans for it, though. Initially, I'd seen this site as this awesome resource, similar to how it was when we launched and were so popular in 2003. But I have precious little time and frankly, I don't feel like jockeying with the many fitness and weight loss magazine type blogs out there these days. They're all great and they work hard to deliver that good content. I don't really feel like blogging stuff you can read on 3 other blogs or in this month's Self. They've got it covered and they're doing a fine job at it.
Plus, I don't know... I think initially, I'd felt like I needed to be some kind of motivator or something because when I first started this site I'd recently lost 100 lbs on Weight Watchers (of which I've gained back a little over half). So many people told me I had been such an inspiration to them and I didn't want to let them down, so I got all wrapped up in being a resource, providing "content" that I started to do the exact opposite, froze up and pressured myself into being an ostrich when it came to posting here -- and when it came to losing weight in general. I seriously had to get over myself.
2011 was a year of faux commitment in terms of dieting. I wanted to care, but I just didn't. Last January, I started Weight Watchers again in earnest -- and I lost about 22 lbs. Then I started to stray... it must be Weight Watchers, right? It wasn't working anymore! I felt restricted! I needed freedom! So I quit Weight Watcher and started tracking with Lose It!, which is basically just straight-up calorie counting.
But that wasn't sticking either. What it boils down to is that I just haven't been all-in. I haven't wanted to track my points. I haven't wanted to report that extra slice of pizza. I didn't want to have to log anything or tell anyone or ask permission or tweet it or track it. I was being plain stubborn.
And it shows on my ass.
Something has to give because I feel like hell. It's not as much about "looking hot" anymore (though that's always a bonus), I want to feel hot. I'm going to be 40 in twenty-two months -- just under two years. I do not want to feel like this at 40. I look at myself sometimes and have no idea who that person is. And as arrogant as this might seem, I look at myself as if I were someone else and think, "Dude, you're way too fabulous for this rubbish."
And you know? I totally am. I'm not getting any younger, do I really want to waste more of my youth being a frump? I'd like to wear a pair of jeans from the Gap again before I'm pushing daisies, thanks.
I rejoined Weight Watchers today. I started a new account, thinking that maybe not having my previous graphs and expectations waving me in the face might be good. (More smoke and mirrors!) I don't want to be reminded of how I screwed it all up, I just want to move forward.
I like Lose It still and am hoping to track in there, as well, mostly because I'm curious how the points vs. calories add up. I just think the structure of Weight Watchers is what I need now, despite my resistance to it. Plus, I know a few other folks who have inspired me recently with their Weight Watchers successes, so I'm willing to give it another go. It does work, it worked before -- I just gave up before I was finished, if I'm being honest.
So, anyway, I hope to blog more here. I am cooking more and want to share the recipes that I try. I won't be able to post more than one or two a week because there are only two of us and most recipes have leftovers, but it gives me something to blog about.
In the meantime, I'm going to just let this blog become what it wants to be. That goes double for me.
